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RICHARD: Phil, have you heard?
LEAH: We heard.
CATHY: They wanted to interview me.
RICHARD: You’ve heard? You know?
CATHY: Didn’t have time, but I’m gonna go back
RICHARD: So you know they’ve caught him?
CATHY: get on the telly
LEAH: How can they have caught someone who doesn’t exist?
RICHARD: I don’t know, Leah.
LEAH: Because that’s impossible.
RICHARD: Why don’t you tell them that? Why don’t you pop down the station and say “excuse me, but that fat postman with the bad teeth doesn’t actually exist, so why don’t you let him go”?
LEAH: sarcasm, that’s the lowest
CATHY: they might even give me money for it, do you think I should ask for money?
LOU: He’s gonna go to prison.
LEAH: Lou, they are not going to send him to prison because he answers a description they need more than that, they need fibres, they need samples, they need evidence.
RICHARD: DNA evidence.
LEAH: Exactly, they need DNA —
RICHARD: No, they’ve got DNA evidence.
Beat.
LEAH: What?
RICHARD: He answers the description, but they’ve got DNA evidence linking him to the crime.
LEAH: DN…What are you talking about?
RICHARD: We spoke to a reporter. They matched up the DNA evidence they found on the jumper to a police database and they came up with this man, this man who answers the description perfectly.
LEAH: That’s impossible.
RICHARD: Well it’s what happened.
LEAH: No, because, we made that description up and they got DNA from a random —
Beat. She turns to CATHY.
Cathy?
Pause. They all stare at CATHY.
CATHY: You told us to get DNA evidence. We got DNA evidence. We did what you said.
LEAH: Right.
Okay.
Hang on.
Where did you get the DNA evidence?
CATHY: From a man, like you said.
Beat.
A man down the sorting office.
They stare at her.
LEAH: What?
CATHY: Well, we thought, you know, I mean, you’d given a description so we thought, well, I thought, you know, show initiative, we’ll look for a fat balding postman with bad teeth.
They stare at her.
There were quite a few.
DANNY: Oh my God.
CATHY: What?
LOU: Oh my God.
CATHY: We showed…initiative, we —
LEAH: And who asked you to do that?
CATHY: Richard, we showed initiative.
RICHARD: That is the most stupid —
DANNY: Oh, Jesus.
CATHY: Why?
LEAH: Why? Because there is now a man in prison who is linked to a non-existent crime, answering a description that Brian gave.
LOU: Oh, Jesus Christ.
CATHY: But isn’t that…
LEAH: No, Cathy, it is not what we wanted.
Dennis Kelly,
DNA (Oberon Books, 2012)